There's Always a Simpler Way
by iciclearrow
Summary: Because this fandom needs more crack fic.


John Dee cracked open the Codex in the lobby after making sure Perenelle was safely locked up in the basement of Enoch Enterprises. Seeing the words flowing in their ever-changing languages, he decided that he needed to try a minor spell to ensure he'd be able to work the Final Summoning when he got those pages and the Dark Elders were ready for it.

Finding a simple one that looked promising, one that was supposed to cause the floor or ground to tilt to a steep slope, Dee looked over the instructions a couple of times before going through with it. As he held onto the reception desk to avoid slipping, he waited for the floor. And waited. And waited. Once Dee realised that the floor would not, in fact, begin to slope downwards, he looked back at the Codex to make sure he hadn't messed anything up. That's when he noticed the pineapple on the desk. He could have sworn it hadn't been there before, but there it was, lying across a notepad, almost the way that a pen might.

After checking the book and rereading the spell, Dee tried again. The floor remained flat. Glancing back at the pineapple, he did a double-take. There were now two pineapples, and the notepad was missing. Was Dee doing that? Was he messing up the spell badly enough to turn office supplies into tropical fruit instead of angling the floor?

Dee shook his head, and found a different spell to try. Tilting the floor probably wasn't the best idea, anyway—it could damage the basement and compromise the structural integrity of the building.

However, instead of removing the gravity from the room, he heard a loud pop. Turning back to the desk, Dee saw that the whole desk area had become a giant pineapple. He decided to lay off for the time being, not wanting to risk turning the Codex into a pineapple, too.

As Dee closed the book, he realised that is was soaking in juice from the pineapple desk. Though he was worried that the juice would ruin the book, he quickly and calmly performed a simple cleaning charm on it. Some of the juice seemed to vanish, but then Dee saw that the floor tiles beneath his feet were transforming into pineapples.

By now, Dee was wondering what was cursed—the book, for being taken from the Flamels' possession; the building, as some sort of revenge from Perenelle; or him, for any number of reasons. Whatever the reason may be, though, the man knew that he needed to stop using magic, or Enoch Enterprises would need to begin selling fruit instead of providing entertainment options for events.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the basement, Perenelle got a sudden whiff of pineapple. Unable to think of whose aura it could be, she decided to heighten her sense of hearing to figure out who had come to speak with Dee. However, as soon as she started to dim her other senses, the scent of pineapple grew stronger, and the door to the room she was locked in appeared to turn into a pineapple.

Perenelle took it for the chance it was and stopped the spell. She rushed towards the large pineapple and tried to move it out of the way. It was too heavy. Untying the belt that acted as a belt for her dress, Perenelle looped it around the fruit and began to pull. The pineapple shifted, but refused to move from the doorway.

It wasn't until she noticed the chipped floor tile that she got her next idea. Snatching it up, Perenelle went back to the doorway and tried to slice into the fruit. It was slow going, but eventually she made it to the flesh. She then pressed into the fruit on either side of the cut, letting the juices drip out and onto the floor.

Once there was finally enough liquid on the floor surrounding the base of the pineapple, Perenelle began pulling at the sash once again. This time, the pineapple slowly eeked its way over the floor and left a gape wide enough for the thin woman to squeeze her way through.

Hearing an angry rant about pineapples coming from the floor above her, Perenelle realised that dee must be having a similar problem to her. It was another chance she decided needed to be taken. She rushed up the stairs, turning the handrail into fruit on her way up, and came out of the stairwell, brandishing the pineapple stick like a longsword and yelling.

In his shock, Dee dropped the Codex. Perenelle ran over, picked up the book, hit Dee over the head a couple of times, and ran out of the building and down the street before promptly dropping the pineapple handrail and calmly making her way to Scatach's dojo, where she suspected Nicholas may have taken the children.


End file.
